So much in the past year has happened, so much in fact, I don't know where to even start.! Not only has it been a interesting year but it also has been very busy. Happiness beyond imagination along with some crazy saddening moments along the way. I never in a million years would think I would be where I am at now in life. After all the trials and tribulations I have over come I honestly thought that maybe that was it. That maybe, that was all I had to look forward to. Oddly enough that was just the beginning. My new chapter has begun.
The beginning of the year 2012 started off amazingly. I was employed by a barber shop that I had been looking forward to working in for quite sometime. I loved my job, I loved where I was and the people I met each and everyday. I felt as if I had a part in their lives, I was a way for these people to vent without judgement. I had more than just one purpose, being a barber/stylist, I was a friend to them. Not too long after being at this establishment I had to leave, or be let go. I never really understood why, and still don't understand why actually, but I guess it wasn't where I was to be in my career. The hardest part was leaving and not having a backup job right away, especially in my career field. I never saw myself working in a "salon". I leaned more towards barbering once I graduated cosmetology school anyways. So, with that being said I went back to my old job from years ago, Subway. Of course it wasn't where I wanted to be, but at the time, but any job was better than NO job.
During all of the mess of jobs, I also re-kindled a past relationship from the previous year. At the time I thought and felt as if everything would be great and work for the best. Sadly, I was blinded from what I "wanted" and what really "was". Slowly as time pasted, things in the relationship as well as with my friends and family, began to crumble. I fell into a sadness and began to distance myself from the world. I lost myself, I let myself drop and become less than a priority and more of a option of importance. Something I should have never let happen.
Three months back into this relationship I became pregnant. I can not lie, I was scared shitless of what was to happen. Not only was I anxious and afraid of what was to happen with myself, I was worried of what would be said by those around me. When I say "those around me" I mainly direct that towards my mother and the father of the new life inside of me. I had no clue what to expect once I told either one of them. First I told my mother. Telling her was tougher than I could have imagined. She was out of town and took the news pretty hard. Her baby was now going to have a baby. I still can't imagine how she felt or what thoughts were running through her head. I honestly don't think I want to know either. It hurt me to tell her, and it hurt that she wasn't there. She didn't speak to me for three days after I told her. I suppose she needed time to adjust and be the smallest bit okay to actually speak with me. It took sometime for her and I to be on a level ground about it all. It still has it's moments even now between us. Next I had to tell my boyfriend and the father of my baby. This, was the worst. He was so against the actuality of me being pregnant, pregnant with his child at that.. He told me to not tell anyone, he wanted me to hide it until I begun to show come months down the road. It was like everything I thought our relationship was about was really just a good lie the whole time.
One thing I have been familiar with my entire life is heart break and sadness. Not knowing what was to come next, I was soon to realize change was in my immediate future. I stayed in the relationship for the first ten or so weeks of my pregnancy, until enough became enough. I couldn't stand the stress, sadness, anger and all around pain anymore. I tried to stay and push my feelings aside but that, that right there, is where I made my mistake. Staying around thinking that it was the only option I had, but it wasn't. Leaving the father of my unborn baby was one of the hardest things I ever had to push myself to do. I did love him, I wanted us to work and for our family to be together, but I had to do what was best for me and my baby. I had to leave him. I became depressed and sick from all the problems we then had. The last thing I wanted was to lose my baby, my blessing.
He chose to not be around during my entire pregnancy. I needed him too. Actually started to be more disrespectful and then began to deny being the father of my child. I never thought I could be so enraged with someone the way I was during all of this. He changed and wasn't the person I then knew, but then again neither was I. I think the worst part was him just not showing any care of the baby, a innocent child that had no choice of being. I really expected him to be excited and be involved. I had a rough time accepting everything. Especially with having to go to appointments alone and to find out she had a issue with her heart was so hard to deal with alone. I needed his support and care, which I never got sadly. I made it through though, without him. Not soon after I left him, he got in a new relationship. Now that pissed me off. How could he just move on that way.? Why would he walk around as if it was no issue.? He had a baby on the way, in which he KNEW was his, and chose to now live a separate life built upon lies. Somethings are better left unknown I guess.
Now that all the months have passed, and the new year of 2013 is here, my beautiful daughter is born. I never knew how much I could love something, someone. Honestly I guess I never truly knew what "love" was until now. She's my world. I wake up everyday to her beautiful face and fall asleep to her laying on my chest just about every night. Heart beat to heart beat, souls connected. I'm in love, in love with my daughter. I still am so amazed that I created a human being. All the stress and pain was worth it. Pregnancy is no joke that's for sure, and neither is labor. Looking back at the year of 2012 I do see things I wish I could have changed. With that being said I also am glad that most of those unfortunate events happened. It made me stronger, brighter, wiser and more aware of the reality of life. I can honestly and truly say I have been blessed. Set aside the roller coaster ride, also known as "life", I now can keep pushing forward with so many reason on to why. My new chapter has begun.
