Drowning In My Own Life

Lately things have NOT been so smooth. Also one reason I have not posted any new entries. My deepest apologies.

I have always known that growing up and what not is not a easy process. But I never imagined things being THIS bad. OK maybe they haven't been like super bad but geeze bad enough for outsiders to notice. Its just I have so much on my plate right now, and I feel as if I am going to just have a break down again. School, work, family and people just so many things I am having to deal with, which some should not even be present. I try so hard to make people happy even when it hurts me in the end. That is just something I always have done, I put others happiness before my own. Also something people choose not to see. It sucks. Aren't you suppose to feel great when you help someone or when you do a damn good job on something.? I thought that too, but reality has it right now, and such a thing does not exist.

I know I said in a previous entry I would get into some very emotion and personal details about my life, but this. . . . this is something that is so deep and hurtful I do not think it should be written just yet.

I will say a few things of the road bumps I have been encountering in the past couple of weeks. Brace yourself. . . . .

I go to a Online school here in Kansas. It is my only way of graduating on time and staying focused. Staying out of trouble and just getting done what I need to is just one of the pros from this program. Now, I have come across a action that I have been dealing with now ever since last school year. I must and I mean MUST have things organized. It has came down to if things with school or anything else is not organized or not done properly I get very irritated and push myself to the point of exhaustion to make sure that the things are correctly completed. Alright that being said I will now say this: I DO NOT HAVE OCD.!! Seriously, I just simply like things to be done and done right the first time. Having things organized helps me know what needs to be completed at certain times etc. So that is the first problem I have been having. . . My schoolwork not being organized, falling into a pattern of putting things off and saying " Oh I will do it later I swear" and then not doing it for another week.

GOOD NEWS: I have no got a planned goal for my classes of having a outline of my assignments and when I should have them completed by the time I go to my class on Wednesdays. ( To take the CST aka the Final, for each course.) YAY.!

Alright the second problem I have been dealing with, my family. Now I love my family more than ANYTHING and I would sacrifice everything I have for them but things have gone way too far with some of my members actions. I have begun to realize that I really have no one but myself now. The things I have been called and the ways I have been treated lately is unacceptable completely. I am only seventeen years of age, I have been raised as a adult since I was ten years of age. Now I am proud of who I am and WHAT I am but if you truly love someone and that someone being your family would you really call them, I don't know names like "Bitch", "Pathetic", "Useless", "Careless", "Not even worth the time", I mean it goes on and on and on you guys. Who says such things about a loved one.? That is not love, that is nothing. I have now told myself you need no one but yourself Brittany. I live at home, and my Mother takes care of me and I appreciate her more than she knows. She is, I believe one, of the ONLY people I know will not turn on me. I can only hope. She might say some mean things but she is only human and she has so much on her plate as well like I. I love my family like I said, but there is only so much one can take, and before you know it you will end up pushing one to the point of destruction. You will then become a "Nobody", I only hope that things will change. The last thing I need is to disown a family member because of abuse that they could have controlled no matter what rage they had inside of them. . . . .

Now lastly is my work. I have had this job now for a month in a half. I make money, I then save money. I have no urge to spend what so ever and my plan is to save EVERY dime I get. Pretty smart huh.? So yeah, this job I will say is alright. It is a lot of work believe it or not making sandwiches. Not only do I make food I work the cash register, I prep food AND I clean the whole store. Not let me back up a bit and tell you this, I only work on Weekends for 6-7 hours, and those hours going into the night to closing. . . all alone. Now I am a small female and I can stand my ground but there are parts of who I am that make me panic and being alone is one out of many of my anxieties let alone being by my self one of those night. Its scary I'm tellin' ya, no joke. So anyways I think my boss has become very short circuited with not only me but the whole crew. For example one of my co-workers was written up 7 times. . . 7 TIMES PEOPLE.!! And for what.? Only for a rag being left out or streaks on the glass and such. How crazy is that.? Hmmm well that is just for one of my co-workers, lets get back to me. This part Wednesday I had my class for school, I get a phone call in the middle of class. Guess who it is.?My boss. I answered it and pretty much she asked if I could come in at 12 to 4pm to work hours for HER.! I let her know I was in class and we don't get out till around 12 or so and that I had to be somewhere before 3pm that day. As I explained that I told her once I got out of class I would call her back and let her know if I could come in or not. Well to get to the main point of this I called this woman 6 times on her cell phone 3 times on the work phone and NO answer what so ever. So I ended up texting her letting her know I could not come in and that I had things I had to do, also apologizing for not being able to. She texted me back a hour later saying this quote : "Thanks a lot you shouldn't have told me ya". . . . Are you freakin' kidding me.! I never said "YA" in the first place. So now I think she dislikes me strongly and well I am starting to look for a better job that I know I will be better in than making sandwiches. Its a mission I tell ya. . Its a mission. . . . .

So there are some of the main things I have been dealing with in my life. I know it is a lot of reading but if you actually stuck threw reading my blog would you please leave a comment. It would mean a lot.

Also the feedback for the day.!!

I would like to know if any one of you have gone threw a situation like one of mine, and how you handled it. If not, what other personal problem have you over come in your life.?

Thanks so much for reading. Loves always.!!

-*BrittanyLee